Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Day 3

So you guys aren't exactly getting this in real time, though I don't think it has any negative impact on the story. Today is Day 9. Chop and I stopped at Day 7, which was our original goal and plan- due to moving and nursing and all the physical demands of those combined. Although I am no longer officially cleansing, I have yet to change my diet too drastically. I found an egg and cheese sandwich to be much less satisfying, and returned to my hot grain cereal this morning. I know how Aaron's doing as well, but I won't ruin the story ;)

Aaron's Day 3

DAY 3:

I woke up feeling kind of shitty this morning. Like I had a hangover, and my first reaction was wow, I guess my brain noticed I was drinking from a wine glass all night and said “it must be hangover time”, though I suppose that may be possible it seems a little unlikely. As it turns out I wasn't the only one feeling sub-par this morning, a few other group members had the same groggy, grumpy feeling and mild headache which seem to be the first real signs of detoxification (ironically, they are very real signs of intoxication as well). We had a couple days of blissful energy, and the warm fuzzy feeling of self-accomplishment, but I think I may have been patting myself on the back a little prematurely. This is going to get harder. Interestingly enough though, this realization of the struggle to come, has not dampened my spirits or resolve, but in a way reinforced them. I now have tangible, physical evidence of changes happening in my body. To have these clear physical obstacles to overcome, as well as the mental ones my quest seems more purposeful and “real”. It would still be nice to have a cigarette now though.

Speaking of conflict, over the past few days it's really come into light how I deal with conflict and challenge, apparently not in healthy ways. Usually it's by shoveling something into my mouth. Cigarettes and alcohol are the go-to but crunchy, fatty, salty, savory foods are quite intoxicating as well and can easily diffuse negativity and sedate me temporarily. The first few days of the cleanse have been spent kind of in a vacuum, without much responsibility or obligation. I was free to gracefully drink cran-water all day, picture what I might look like in a turtle neck, google “phyto nutrients” and listen to NPR. But today I integrate the cleanse schedule with the real world, inspiring me to include a short “conflict/challenge of the day” section in my journal.

Today's challenge: The restaurant. Today is new menu day at the restaurant and I will be in the belly of the beast from noon until midnight. That's 12 hours of temptation. This kind of temptation is not passive like a commercial for pizza on TV or spotting an empty pack of cigarettes lying around. This is hardcore. Like giving a compulsive gambler five hundred dollars and throwing him in a casino. All of my weaknesses will be within arms reach and everyone around will be reaching for them or reaching out their hands to offer me some. I can’t help but see strong parallels between my thoughts and behavior and those of serious addicts. Sure we all know liquor and cigarettes are bad, but who knew butter had such a grip on me.

A few hours later..

The time is now 11:15 pm. Wow that was fucking hard. I don't think my will power and self discipline has been tested like that in a while. But I made it. I wouldn't say I feel any better...in fact maybe even worse. I'd like to lead a healthy lifestyle even after the cleanse is finished, but if this is what it’s like, I'm fucked. One thing I do feel, which is a powerful feeling, is righteous. There were many times when I layed down to go to sleep and felt sad, disappointed. or even disgusted with myself or my decisions. Not tonight.

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